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I have to come here to reveal my secrets.

We just finished our 2nd year. It was honestly, horrible. We both had to drop 2 classes each as I was always sick and needed Travis. I would love to just stick at 6 credits from now on, but because of Financial aide, government assistance we have to do 12. I don't know if I can handle 12 any more. Now were doing summer school to keep our current jobs. We have a work study which is like a grant we work for. Well when my funds run out (The employer gets a huge discount for hiring me.) they are gonna let me go. Of course the jerks told me this afterwards and when you attend summer you have to pay for it so that is $4k right there. We figured we couldn't find jobs otherwise because of the way we look.

So that is the big news. The way we look. Being told were disgusting to our faces. Trav's boss who is in his 60's and overweight makes fun of him too. Utah is a horrible judgmental prick. I think we might of stayed mormon if we never came to Utah. If you don't have blond hair, blue eyes, skinny, then your judge pretty hard and outcasted. Its not even about being of the religion. So not just because of this, but our health that this big news is happening. My heart is in bad condition, my heart rate is going at 180 with me sitting and my high blood pressure is not lowering. I am having trouble walking period and in march I sprained my back 3 times, and the first was just standing the kitchen cooking dinner. I am at 326lbs. I am pretty much diabetic at this point, and with my Mom having a diabetic stroke I am terrified. Travis even though his health has improved much, he developed severe nueropathy and has trouble walking. I am the slowest walker in the world now he tells me to slow down. It hurts seeing him in pain. The Big news is this is ending soon. (I hope.) Its our last chance, and we are both going to have weight loss surgery. I am specifically having gastric bypass and were going to mexico to get it done. It will cost about $7k each to do it. I feel like this is my last resort. Also with the bypass I will get rid of severe GERD which has caused erosion to my throat. My surgery will come first then Trav's will be in January. I am pretty comfortable with going to Mexico.

That news is enough to give me/us hope. Being told my heart is going to give out at any moment is scary. However, now I have til August to lose 40 lbs. My bmi is 54 and needs to be under 50. I also have to stay gluten free, which honestly is harder than easier. This weekend is Mother's day and I get so depressed and use food as my comfort. I should have 2-3 kids right now, and I should be currently 4 months pregnant. We have had now 4 miscarriages. We have given up on children at this point until after the surgery. Do I think the surgery will help? No... But I can have a little hope. I don't even know if I lose weight from the surgery. I am trading in a set of health issues for another set. Since I have celiac's and already malabsorb nutrients the surgery will make it worse. So I am scared. But I have to do something.

Lately, I have felt like a bad wife too. I say things outloud without thinking it. Like "I don't know why I married him." I mean it as a joke, but then its not funny. I love Travis, but my respect has lowered for him and myself. He is a great guy, but I am bored in our relationship. I have given up on myself, and since there are no plus size clothing store around. I am down to a few pants and t-shirts to wear. I am too fat for everything, and I can't fit in normal pants so I can't order online even. When Trav loses weight he gets an ego and seems happier. I found out I am turned on by it. But he doesn't do that any more and I find him not brushing his hair any more even. I am worried about him, and us as people not a couple. Were so depressed its not funny. We have no friends and I am posting on Craigs list for someone. Talking online to people is great, but not having physical friends is horrible.

Now I am sleepy and I just can't remember what I was going to say. Not much has happened. I have an online support group of over 5,000 members that I don't care to deal with any more after going on 3 years. The women are just whiny and bitchy (like me) and I am tired of hearing about periods and seeing pee sticks all over my facebook. Blargh.

Never fulfilled, never gonna be.

Do you ever have that issue that you wanna talk about something to someone but don't know how to communicate it without everyone hearing? So, that is why I came here. Julie is the only one that reads this, and I just wanna vent/talk. I am just bothered. (What else is new?)

Updates... I don't work at tech support any more. I was the first girl they hired in 5 years and all the guys there had in their minds that "women should not work". Their girlfriends and wives don't work, and woman has no place in the work field pretty much. I was able to fix computers and the week before I got a compliment on how great i was handling the calls. When you came into the office though you would see me on one side of the room and 10 guys huddle onto the other side. They wouldn't talk to me, even when I have things to talk about that they were interested in. (Comics, games, etc.) When I asked if there was anything I could do, because I was bored. They would say nothing and then start a project without me. Apparently when they fired me the supervisor said that every one of them had something negative to say about me. Its bullshit, and I guess I am glad I am out of there. They gave me no reason as to why they fired me, and I really wanted to report them but then I knew it would affect my future jobs at the school.

I did find a new job, its pathetic and I don't feel challenged at the new job at all but I make better money. The job is only supposed to last a semester though.

My Celiac's/gluten has gotten worse. I now develop the flu any time I get gluten or cross contaminated. This has left me hospitalized, and sick for several weeks at a time. My symptoms only mimic the flu, however if you take me to the doctor they will say I am normal (perfect lungs, nose, ears, throat), but everything hurts and I spend nights in the bathroom. So that leads me to be hospitalized for dehydration. I hate it, because it has now gotten to the point where we can't even go to a restaurant and order gluten free because I will still get sick by them cooking around gluten. If I had my culinary degree I would make my own restaurant that is gluten free, dairy free, soy free, nut free, grain free, and vegan/vegetarian friendly. (They would have options to choose.) I would also have drive-through, take out, and maybe delivery.

I am now in my 2nd semester of my 2nd year, and I have done all the classes I need for an associated except Math. My school is known worse for Math and they do it all online. (Except tests.) The online course doesn't teach you, and so if you don't know the stuff your screwed. I am in the lowest class for math and would have to pass this, but it will take another 2 years before I am done with it. So now I am worried, about what I am gonna do for two years since I took all the required courses.

I think I am gonna stick to Social Work, and I would love to do medical Social Work. (Computer Science was tempting but not enough for me.) I need a social job, and I need something where I can do things on my own without being bothered. Putting in forms all day long as a desk job is something I don't mind.

So these are things I was always talk about. I am bothered lately by the baby thing (like always). With my second pregnancy, I knew 5 other women having their baby within 3 weeks of my due date. Well I was due on February 9th of this year (Our wedding anniversary date) and now all these women are having their babies. My best friend is having her 4th and can't afford or take care of her other 3. Then someone I know in town that has pcos (PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome the leading cause to infertility) is now pregnant at 21 years old. We spent New Year's Eve with this couple and her Husband who is 20 said for his resolution that he wanted a baby, and bang there it is. She posts in my group, and I am just severely jealous of her. I think 21/20 is too young, but I am jealous because she got a doctor to help her get pregnant. (He gave her fertility meds.) I can't find one doctor who is willing to work with me, and its always for the same reason because of my weight. Even though everything else is healthy my weight is always the issue. Even though I know several women at my weight who have had babies with no complications at all and women who weigh less than me that have had several complications. I have also known the same amount of several women who were overweight when they got pregnant ended up losing tons of weight because of Breast feeding and/or they never gained during pregnancy. I am jealous. We have been trying for almost 7 years and I can't even get excited when I am pregnant because of the miscarriages.

Yep, I said 7 years. Travis and I next month will be celebrating our 7 year anniversary and 5 years of marriage. I love being married to him and glad were through majority of the drama. However, I want us to grow as a couple. I want that extension. We have no family and I want to create our family. I want 3 children, and with him being 30 and me 27 I want them now. I don't want to be 40 having children. My Mother did that and to me that is too old. I have also said that if I don't have my first by the time I am 30, I am giving up. Almost 10 years of trying will be too much, and I will give up by then. If I can get pregnant on my own then why doesn't a doctor help me maintain it. Everyone saids we would be great parents, but its not going to happen.

I swear I am bored with life. I hate being on a computer. I hate every day norm and I hate who I am today. I am disgusted when I look at myself in the mirror. New clothing, new hairstyle is not going to change it either. (I know I spent almost $1,000 on trying.) I want to be different and I want more out of my life. I want to be able to make it to work 5 days a week and enjoy getting up every morning. I want to be able to handle a schedule of 5 days straight. However, i am not getting any fulfillment in my life. I am bored, and I am tired of it. This leads to me being miserable as I don't know how to change it. I want to work out, and I want to eat healthy (But I am always sick). I am just want something different.

I swear I updated this!

I am starting to like the "vintage" look of LJ. I am sitting here, thinking... I need to update this more. I really don't have friends in person to just speak about everything. And when I come here and posts months at a time it seems like its overwhelming, rushed through piece of crap post. I know no reads this any more, so it can be "Bleh whatever". I still like to give sum ups to catch everything up.

So Trav's health seems to be stable. Were not seeing a doctor every week and its soooooooooo nice. He is down to 2 meds out of his 8. Were not worried about his health!

We ended up moving out of Logan! (Fuckin hated that place! Freakish cult!) It was kinda funny, when Trav had his surgery his Mother came up here. She freaked out over Logan and helped us move to Ogden, Utah. We are now 45 min away from SLC, and this place just reminds me a lot like FL. The stores, the people. There are mormons, but more non-mormons. We have a huge diversity, and its a growing town. We currently live in a house that is spilt. We have 3/4 of the house while the neighbors have like 2 rooms to themselves. We don't share anything, and we never see them. Its really nice! The maintenance team sucks, our master bedroom is in the basement, and we live in a hispanic community. However, its not bad. We like the freedom to be able to do whatever we want and rent is only $550! (Thats cheap, when we have hard wood floors, a huge back yard, and 2 bedrooms.)

We both got jobs as soon as we moved here at the new college. Trav works in the bowling alley at the school, and I work in the Tech support area. I re-imaged and fix computers all day long. I am the only girl there, so its hard to fit in but yeah. I am thinking about changing my major. (Which was/is Social Work.) I just am wondering if I would get annoyed with social work. Do I want to help people who don't care to even listen to me? Do I want hear their stories? Do I want to go get a Master's Degree and not make more than $22/hour? What I get in Computer Science would be more with a Bachelor's then I would get ever with a SW degree. I agree, it shouldn't be about money. However, I want to be able to support my family well. I plan on being the bread-winner for my family. I need to be able to pay for both of our health issues, fertility issues, and most likely my Mother's health issues in the future. I also want to be able to travel more in the future with Travis. I think we both love traveling.

We had our 3rd miscarriage. This time I made it to 6 weeks, which was the furthest. I was upset for about 2 days, then just brushed it off. I mention it because it was 2 weeks ago and my body is still in pain and trying to recover. (Its taking longer this time.) I believe its progesterone and if a freakin doctor would just support me when I do get pregnant then I might be able to get treatment. (They are always worried about weight.) However, i have been able to fix my blood pressure on my own, and I am rather wise healthy except for when i eat gluten. (Btw, found a gf store near by and I am in love!)

Sad news... We were forced to give up our ferrets. Some maintenance guy reported us and they gave us a 3 day notice, then didn't even check that we still had them. (I think they did this on purpose because I was bitching about all the shit that hadn't been done on the house.) We found a good home though, and probably it was for the best. As we couldn't get them out as much as we wanted to (due to school) and we couldn't leave them unattended.

We ended up getting a dog. (That we can leave unattended.) We planned on getting this one dog in Logan, and adopted her. She was great the few times we watched her in Logan but through the up coming weeks she got more aggressive and attacked our cat Rajah. (Our cat is trained to be around dogs. But this just traumatized her.) The dog also did not understand any of our commands and taking the dog for car rides was impossible because she would jump on us while driving. She didn't understand the word "no" or anything. We had to return after she attacked our cat really badly. I felt bad, and wasn't sure about getting a dog again or if we could handle one. However, I still felt that "need".

I am glad I still considered it, as Trav and I looked online for another dog. We saw one who looked like our Roxy. (Who passed away at 5 years old due to liver failure, and was like an amazing dog.) We drove 2 hours for this one, and soon as we met her we wanted her. Well she is amazing! We have had her for a month now, and except for a few accidents she is exactly what we were looking for. (Honestly, i think having her around help me cope better with the miscarriage.) She is a cuddler like 24/7 and we try to take her everywhere. We don't even need to cage her as she doesn't destroy anything while we gone. Our cat doesn't trust her yet, but they are getting better and the dog has not tried to attack her once. So far we think her name is Kamir (Sounds like "Come here"). We can't think of a good fantasy name so, this is it and I think we will stick to it, because I am starting to like more of the sound of the name.

Anyways, its 5am and I haven't gone to bed. We started playing D&D again and its at our house. Were loving it!

Health and shiz...

Not sure if I talk about it much. My memory goes to shit when I eat gluten which I have been currently doing. I show signs of ADHD as well, as I lose track. I tell Trav that I am starving and that we have no food. Even though he has to remind we went shopping the day before. I figure to give a current update on what is going on which is mainly health and shiz...

I had my 2nd miscarriage on May 8th. (Great way to start a post, huh?) I was only 4 1/2 weeks along. My first miscarriage I misccaried in Feb and was probably about 5 1/2 weeks along then. I get the usual symptoms nausea that goes away when I eat, mood swings, bloating, boobs swelling this time my boobs had the wonderful blue veins. I suspected a miscarriage would happen, because of last time. My hcg doesn't get high enough and I pretty much miscarry as soon as I find out through blood tests that I am pregnant. I actually took the blood test on the day I miscarried and that day i was already cramping all day long. Since going gluten free my periods have became regular with ovulation which is rare with having PCOS. (Leading cause of infertility.) I knew I was going to miscarry and after I got the blood tests showing a low hcg number, I got really drunk with Trav and we started to have sex. Well that is when it happen. He freaked out badly and I felt bad but we both knew it was gonna happen. The first time I miscarried I was already in the hospital with a cold and I suspected pregnancy but the hcg was high enough to count it. I went to the toilet after cramping and the actual embryo came through. I still get nightmares of that image. I suspect my miscarriages are due to low progesterone and we will be seeing a specialist probably in the fall. I started eating gluten after the miscarriage and currently trying to stop, but I am highly addicted.

We did "Okay" this semester with school. Travis actually did better than me, but still. I think our issue is we need to have the teacher in the physical classroom. This made us decide that we are going to move actually and go to a different college. Our new college is called Weber State University and its about 45 min. away from SLC. We want to live closer to SLC and have been accepted by the school. We already went for orientation and love the diversity. The mormon institute building is across a street where it should be. The classrooms will have less than 25 students and a physical teacher in it. Compared to the class of 150 with a teacher on a webcam. It is also cheaper to go there. Logan area is affecting our mental health as it is a cult town. We love SLC area and hope to live close by or in SLC very soon! We pan to move the end of August.

Big news on Trav's health. We found out all his health issues was due to a tumor on his right adrenal gland. His adrenal gland was removed last week. His potassium has stabilized which was a miracle. (We were spending over $300 a month on pills and his potassium was constantly being updated but not working.) Also his blood pressure has become excellent. He was on 8 meds now down to 2 and he can sweat again like a normal person. We are really excited because when this started we were told he wasn't allowed to exercise. So now we can work on that.

The only thing is we are currently struggling right now because we both lost our jobs. (The school's fault as our jobs wanted to keep us.) We both really can't go back to work until another 6 weeks as Trav has to be constantly monitored since his surgery. Even though he acts okay and is recovering fine we are still in a danger zone where his bp can drop too low or something else happens. We are going on 3 months behind on rent and so things are really sucking. The good thing is they haven't said anything.

Anyways, that is the current.

A year in Logan, Utah... Whaaaat?!

Meh, I am here. I forget about this journal. Probably because I am an attention whore and need comments to continue in writing. So, it's been 1 year and 1 week since moving here. We hate Logan... Okay let me rephrase that, we like Logan we hate the people. We stopped going to church, because these people are like robots. We were told we are not a good match for our church because we don't have children. I am fucking infertile! Ugh! We have ask people when they come to visit to not talk about church and they appearently can't understand that concept. It's always about church.... *Sighs* I was told by someone that the reasons why I don't have children is because I don't go to church and I don't deserve those blessings. We have also been told that we are disgusting to our face because we are overweight. I have insulin resistance which means my body takes sugar and makes it fat. Then I have Celiac Disease which means I don't absorb nutrients either. I eat under a 1000 calories a day and when I binge its 1500 calories. I hate eating. Gluten makes me sick, and eating gluten free sucks... I hate food.

So, college... I got a 3.6 gpa my first semester and that I was impressed with although I prefer a perfect 4.0gpa. This semester has been so hard. I am required to do biology and I don't attend the physical class (due to issues with the lighting and that I might have seizures), so i just read the book. Well I fail the tests, but I still get a higher score then those in the class. Trav is taking the class too and he is doing the same scores as me. It's stupid and crazy. I am taking economy as a required instead of history and I think i could do good in it but with it being online I am just sucking. The other 2 classes I have a B in so that will be fine. I just can't wait til summer, this is my last day of spring break and I feel like I haven't relaxed at all.

We did get a car at the end of august it's a 2005 Buick Lesabra, I swear the car is a stoner car. We started traveling to Salt Lake City a lot, and we absolutely love the area. There are so many things to do, and the people are normal there. They actually come up and talk to us, and it's sooooo nice. In August we are transferring schools for this reason and moving about 45 min. away from SLC. We have been spending every weekend down there right now, and we are just ready to leave. Logan is nice if you don't have a car are cultish mormon and like small towns. But that isn't us. We both had jobs through the school right now that pay minimum wage, but that is the only jobs we are allowed to have through our financial assistance. We can't also only work 20 hours a week through them which is fine with me, I just wish I could have more money. We are somehow been making it, I don't know how. But somehow... Our rent has never been later here, our car payments are on time and everything is just okay.

We love our 2 bedroom apartment but only for the rent of $525. We want to get a dog, be away form our church, and not have to walk so far to our car. So when we move we hope those things can be accomplished. It will be exciting...

My support group for PCOS is close to 4,000 members now. I am building a website, but right now it's on facebook. We are selling bracelets for it too. It's probably one of the best things I have ever accomplished in my life!

Still alive.... I guess...

What is the best way for me to put things in order? I have no idea, and all my time here seems run together. It still feels like we just got here yesterday. I am amazed by the mountains and I still don't believe they are real even though I have collected rocks from them. I have played in the snow, and have gotten stuck in it. I think I am littler terrified of it. However when Trav & I see it actually snowing we are amazed by how cool it looks. We not really freezing here either. It's DRY, VERY DRY. So I am not used to not have humidity, and how the summers aren't really hot and you can do okay by just having a fan.

I do feel homesick. However it's not homesick of the present life in Sarasota it's the 10-15 years ago homesick. I try to think of my Mother when I loved hanging out with her. When she was known as the "cool mom" and my friends liked her. When I wouldn't mind spending time with her. (Now, she can barely remember me and I usually can't stand to be in a room with her for more than 5 minutes before I want to kill myself or her.) I miss having the beach next door, and even though I was scared of thunder and lightening. I miss the sound of it, and the rain that I would lay in on the driveway. I miss knowing where all the good places to go and eat were and sometimes the vareity of people. I miss my church down there. I miss when Travis and I could go out in the middle of the night and get something to eat. It is some thing that we did the first day we met and we loved doing it often, after fights, celebrations, or stressful times.

I am afraid of never seeing my Mom again. That when something happens I won't know about it or be able to do anything. I am afraid I will never like the church here and will go back to doing drugs and drinking because I don't care anymore. The drinking has already started by a little, and I have been eager to get ahold of some cigs and a nice bowl of weed. I guess good thing I am in an area where that is hard to obtain and since I don't know anyone well enough it's hard to trust that it won't be loaded with junk.

The people here are majority white and what's sad is they all look the same and all act the same. I get my hopes up when someone saids they are not mormon, inactive, or are not from here. Appearently we moved to one of the cultest towns even in utah. Where the return missionaries can't stand the mormons here due to how they are. They don't own tv's, they pop kids as soon as one comes out or on their honeymoon, they read books sometimes but it's only in scripture. We can't even talk about seeing Harry potter with them because that is a bad movie. Everything we do and because we own a 42" inch tv we are known more of as sinners. The worst sin we have committed though is not having children. In our ward we are 1 out of 2 couples who don't have kids. Everyone gets married at 18 and pops them out after 9 months of marriage claiming it was an "accident". We are told by people that they have nothing in common with us because we don't have kids. Or they don't have time to make friends. Yet,we see them outside with friends all the time but those friends have kids. We went to church the first 2 months here, but after that we couldn't stop crying, getting upset, or having panic attacks about not being like them. Were not from a rich family. We can't have children at this time, and we don't know enough about the church compared to others. Also, were not from Utah so a lot of people won't associate with Outsiders. However, the best thing and kinda insane they are over obsessed ith the church and can only talk about church related things. They do contact us almsot every day, but it has to do with their calling. I have tried talking to them normally and they don't respond. I have tried Visiting Teaching and I could tell I am not wanted there. The same happens with Travis. It has gotten to the point where have told them were moving out of these apartment because we feel like were getting harassed. That we don't want contact anymore with the ward. They seemed to still bother us, and it may be worse now.

We can't wait to get a car. We rented a car about a month ago because I had to have an emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder. (It was my first surgery.) So, for me to walk around we rented the car. We started to like Utah more when we had that car. It was the first time we said we like the place. The good thing is we can pay rent, and have money left over even if 1 person is working. Right now were both working at the same place and we really like our job. It pays $9.25 a hour and that is good for this area. I think were getting comfortable with our marriage, and not being broke is a nice release. However, we still feel frustrated because we haven't seen much since we gotten here and it's annoying. We still want to see Salt Lake City and there are a few areas where we want to check out and possibly move there.

We are both afraid of going to school but eager to see how it goes. We have decided that if don;'t do well in school that we will just stick with our jobs and go from there. By the way we got some baby ferrets! Two girls and they are insane and awesome! Well not much to post. We doing okay in financial and our marriage which is what we needed. Our stress is down by a lot and we have a home for once. However, were just lonely, bored, and wanting to find our place to fit in.

So... Yeah...

Were in LOGAN, UTAH! I started a more positive blog at: http://tandtweldon.blogspot.com/ it is mostly for the family.I don't want to put anything negative in it. However, I still need a place to vent so I will still come here.

We have been here since March 11th. It kinda all started with Travis saying 2 weeks before that date "What if we just sold the car and moved?"... So, I started to panic but then really thought about it. We already went to the temple the first time and I was able to baptisms for the dead for most of my family including my Father and grandparents.

The decision mainly came down to money. We could stay in Florida and maybe leave with $2,000 and drive 40 hours (Without stopping) to Logan or we could sell the car and go. No one wanted us around, it was obvious. We didn't belong there our time was done. No one cared when we decided to tell them good bye. Probably church people the most cared, and they cared more than family did.

So I called Utah State University and told them our situation. We were pretty much homeless while living in that barn, and the day we moved out our toilet broke. So another sign. They told me that they had the apartment we put a deposit available by March 11th, but I had to be here that day or else i would lose the apartment for good. We said yes to it before we even sold our car. Selling the car was tough, but eventually we took the $7,000 we got and left. Although, the car was worth $12,000.

Our goodbyes were short, and both families acted like it was an inconvience to them to spend our last day with us. Trav's Dad gave Travis a handshake goodbye, and soon as his Brother arrived at the dinner it was all about him. We left early because they stopped talking to us. My Mother made the day all about her as she wanted to go her stroke class which is the same thing every month. Then she wanted us to come pick her up then Carol (my cousin) and take them out and do errands for her. We didn't get lunch til 2pm and we had to have dinner at 5pm. So that was quite annoying.

I was going strong we both were that last week there. It was all about "Fuck you" Florida. Because we couldn't' stand anything. Once we got to the airport that is when I broke down. Not because of missing anything or anyone that much. It was the being scared. The "What if's?" Came into play, I just crumbled. Sasha a friend of mine throughout the years was able to put me together, but maybe I did put too much hope in a state? She was the last person I saw from Florida. I always thought for years my "goodbye" would be something bigger, but it was lonely and that was depressing.

So now were here... Here... We love our apartment, and the weather is nice. However, I still don't think the realization has hit us. We feel lonely here as well. The mormons, well there is a lot of them. Not that we hung out with mormons in Florida, but we thought we would make friends easier here. Pretty much the only way you can have anything in common with them is if you read books and have kids. I am infertile, and will never have kids. This makes it harder as I see Travis laugh at babies or the other night at a dance he played with the kids. Although it was supposed to be "date night" for us, I felt single and lonely. He looked happy though and i guess that is all that matter.

*Sighs* I love the guy, but I need him to lead us as a family. He really doesn't, and that worries me. We made vows to each other before we left and one of his was to do better with the Priesthood. I have asked several times for a blessing and I can't get one. He doesn't seem to care to touch the church stuff, and doesn't seem like he wants to be into the church. I am tried of raising him up and bringing up church things, but I know if one things makes me feel better it's spiritual and church things. With him not leading things I see myself crumbling. It's one of the reasons why we moved to Utah was to get better spiritually and get married in the temple.

I know we can't relate to any mormons here, yet... But come on... I just want it in my home. I just want a leader. Of course not having a home teacher, or visiting teacher or having our records in the correct church doesn't help either. *Sighs* I just hope we can make it. We have enough money left to pay for next month's rent and then that is it. No jobs or anything, and I am not sure how to get them. I need help and all I want to do is cry. I haven't had a job in 4 years, what am I supposed to put on a resume then?

Then when it comes to school. What am I supposed to do? I feel so stupid here, and not smart enough to achieve anything. Everyone has grown up in the church, had the perfect family, been financially stable, and have gone to really good schools.

I don't know what the positive of being here will be. I have no idea even what to do any more. I have given up because I feel like everyone has given up on me. I don't have anything to prove to the world.


It's 3am, I must be lonely...

Technically it's 4am, but eh who gives a crap. I know of one person who reads this journal, but because of my past I am afraid of my journal getting printed up again. So, I don't post. I post a lot on facebook, and it's probably caused a alot of drama. However, I am just screaming to be heard when no one will listen. I really don't have any friends. I am leaving for Utah in 8 weeks, and I don't really have anything to say goodbye too or anyone who cares enough to say goodbye to me/us.

I have been doing that a lot lately. Just saying me or I. Travis is still around, and I have no idea why. We just celebrated our 5 year anniversary of being together and 3 years of marriage. The guy honestly does everything he can to make me happy. However, I am just depressed. Of course, I only became depressed within the past week due to circumstances changing. I guess I need to type more here. It feels good to let it out.

October: After getting to the weight of 340 pounds in being completely paralyzed with pain. I just wanted to end it all. All the doctors kept telling me was to just lose weight. I couldn't eat or keep water in me without screaming in pain. I couldn't walk on my own or barely move my stomach was swollen to look like I was 6 months pregnant. I had 5 cat scans, ate some radiated eggs, and nothing was ever found. I ended up looking up Irritable Bowel Syndrome which lead to looking into Celiac disease. I remember then that my Father's sister was allergic to wheat and that is hereditary. I started eating gluten free on Halloween 2 days later I lost 5 lbs. and started feeling amazing. My energy came out of no where, and I was able to walk in a grocery store during the day time without a panic attack. I have lost 50 lbs. since November and that is without barely trying. Oh, and my female problems went away! Like I have a regular cycle just like every other girl. It's amazing. My depression and irritability went away and I didn't have to take valium any more. My doctor also released me from Psychiatric care. Saying that is was hormone issue and the Celiac contribute to it. Apparently, I had it my whole life and even proof of why I was allergic to my mother's breast milk. If I eat gluten now it gives me those horrible pains, I am drained of energy and my body just hurts for a few days. Apparently, my body breaks out in an allergic reaction, my abdominal wall starts having contractions, my temp rises and my pain level is pretty much of a woman in labor. It helps if I can throw it up, but it always feels stuck in me. So now, I am freak when it comes to eating, but hey this is the reason why I have suffer my whole life with health.

December: We are not admitted to Utah State University, and put a deposit down on our apartment for May 1st. Things are started to get real, but also I don't believe them. We have no job, and I can't put my Mom into assisted living because we are living off of her. So she is taken off the waiting list. This sucks, but I didn't know what to do. My Mom got her stock money form her job, and she paid us back with getting us a new car a 2007 toyota corolla. We couldn't drive the van any more, and this thing takes only $30 to fill the tank and we get 35mpg. We love it. However most of all of her money went to that car. The house goes into foreclosure this month actually on my birthday, and we are ready to move on. All of us. My 25th birthday happened, and I really didn't plan anything. I just said I was going to be at this burger joint and if you want to come you can and if you don't come I won't care. 12 people showed up including us. It was odd having missionaries there, but I love them none the less. Half of the group were mormon the other half weren't and only 2 people didn't fit in, but that was because they didn't care to talk.

Janurary: Trav started working for the Pittsburgh Pirates again, his 3rd year with them. We find out he isn't going to get as many hours. I decide to get my security license and start working with him. They haven't til this day start full time yet. However, it is supposed to start this weekend. Travis and I start getting sick with a virus. I am put on 6 different antibiotics within a short period of time, and my body becomes medicine intolerant and rejects all the meds. I don't get better and my fever gets up to 103. We start being unable to do anything. I find out I was pregnant and miscarried due the virus and all the meds they put me on. I was close to six weeks along. I am actually okay with this as I didn't want to be pregnant in Florida nor at the weight I am at. I somehow kept my bigger boobs from the pregnancy. My body is shaping different now.

Feb: Travis gets the melchizdek priesthood on our anniversary. It's his 3rd year in the church and due to being sick he isn't feeling his best. He honestly doesn't know what to do with it, and really has no example to help him. We plan on going to the temple soon and hopefully in the next few days. I got my Father to get baptized, and it will be trav's first time. He is scared. We need to get back on the boat we have fallen off of. Travis starts being unable to breathe and I still can't break my fevers. We ended up in the hospital on V-day and travis is hospitalized with coughing up blood and low oxygen levels. I spend part of the day there as they wouldn't let me stay. (Out of the 5 years we have been together and been in the hospital this is the first time this has happened.) Because of them not letting me staying there Travis leaves the hospital as they weren't treating him and just wanted to put him on the same meds we had him already on that didn't work. We realized from the almost 24 hours of being at the hospital we are able to breathe. We come home go to sleep and can't breathe again. We feel horrible and are choking. My Mother starts getting sick, we were told weren't contagious though. Travis and I decide we need to move and now. We asked his parents to move back into the barn til we go to Utah. They made it clear that they don't want us here as we have no hot water, a kitchen or a/c and heat. However, I guess they are letting us stay so Travis doesn't die. My Mom is now living with a friend and I have to rush to get her back into assisted living program. I hope she can get in before we leave. Every time we go back into that house. We start coughing and choking and now the cock roaches have taken it over. I still sometimes would rather be there than here. My depression wasn't as bad there. I was in town and it didn't take 30-45 min to get into town. I felt at least somewhat wanted there.

As of now... Well I caught up to Feb. I am kinda numb and upset. This move made me worse, and I feel lonely. The way his parents treat Travis is pretty horrible and it makes me very upset. We have to deal with their drama now. Which is all about if his father is trying to kill his mother or not.

So yeah... We also had no place to go on Christmas because no one wanted us. I can tell you now. I am gonna go to Utah and never come back here. I am not saying Utah is the hopes and dreams of my life, but it's better than here. It has to be. I am scared about going to college at my age, but something has got to change.

Dust yourself off and try again...

(Julie, yes the only Julie I know. You may not like this post. Since I know you are about the only person that reads this journal.)

Our Future Hopes and Dreams:
We plan on moving! I mean like big time moving. Leaving Florida, and (*Sighs* Sorry Julie!) going to Utah! I know, you are wondering where this all has came from. It's a leap of faith, I guess you can say. We just need to leave Florida. We don't have really anything holding us here. Yes, my Mom needs to be taken care of. However, I feel the best thing for her is an Assisted Living Facility. The doctors agree with me on this. If she had someone to talk to every day and got the social attention she craves then she would be fine and take care of herself better.

Travis is pretty much to the point of hating is family. They really don't care for him. They didn't even stay for his surgery or visit him afterwards. This made him really upset and disappointed in them. He puts so much hope and faith into them, and they fail him every time. His Mom just wants to know how much of a freak he looks like, and really doesn't except overweight or deformity in her family. Travis even told me the day we have kids, that he never wants to tell them about it.

We don't have many if any friends down here. We have nothing. We keep moving back and forth, no job success, no strong relationships down here either. We hate the heat, and we hate Florida. I wish I could say that there is one thing I like about it, but I can't. It's not where I want to be. Travis prayed about it and he thinks Utah is the place.

Why Utah?
-We are going to be attending college up there at Utah State University. It's a research school, and very hands on. We are yes very old (25 & 28 at the time we will attend. We think that is pretty old.) to be starting college. However, because we have been out of high school so long the acceptance process, financial aid, scholarships are easier to get. We will be living on campus in the married couple's/new family area. It's $480 for a 2 bedroom with internet, phone, cable included. All we have to pay for is electricity & gas. All the transportation up there is FREE. We will have health insurance (we haven't had it since 18) once we attend school as well.
-We are also going back to the mormon church. I know, you are all like WTF?! The church is bigger up there, and people near our age in the same area would be nice. We will have activities to constantly go to and everyone will be married and attending the same school as us in the church area we are going to be living at.
-We feel like Utah would be just for us. Florida is covered with rich old and retired people. All the funding goes to them, and nothing goes to Education. We are 48th in the nation are how great our education is. This is ridiculous! Utah is much higher, and if we want to start a family there we want our kids to go to a better school.
-We won't be in the heart (SLC) of Utah either. So if we become withdrawn from the church it will be a tiny bit easier to be not in the center of the church area. We will be about 2 hours away form Salt Lake, and that is fine. The town is a small town where we will be living, and that is great for us.
-To start a family. Utah covers and supports fertility coverage. We don't get that here, and it looks like we really need it. We don't want our children near our families. That is hard to say, but it is the truth.
-To get a better job opportunities.
-We can always leave Utah, if we don't like it.

We started going back to the LDS church last month. We really have enjoyed it. We usually always do once we come back. This time though, we are trying to do a few things differently. We are trying to treat our bodies more like temples. We are focused just on going to the temple one day. We have both spoken to the Bishop, and he saids were pretty much on good terms. I bared my testimony, and it felt great. I felt like I needed to do that, and it took 6 years for me being able to be aloud to do that. You know, we have been to several other churches. We don't love the people at our church really. However, none of them felt right. They felt pretty crazy, and just crap. I am never going to be an amazing mormon, I am far from that. However, I feel right when it comes to that. It feels like that is the church for me. I don't know how long this will last, but hopefully for eternity.

Were ready to leave, and get on with our lives already!

If first you don't succeed...

This post is random crap, current stuff. I started this post at 8:48 AM on 8/26/10. It took me 2 days just to do the last post alone.

Current crap.

Hmm, since June?:

-My Mom decided that her other bills besides the mortgage was more important. So now, she is 6 months behind. I have the mortgage saved til December, but it's most likely going into foreclosure after that, and none of us including her don't give a crap. I did her taxes, I see her bank account. I know for a fact she had plenty of money to pay her mortgage, but she blew it. On what? Oh, her already maxed out credit cards, and booze. Or, how about her $500 bed frame that hasn't and never will be put together for the past 2 years. A waste! She did this to herself. Now, I just gotta deal with it.
-I am usually on the phone around 6-10 hours a day. I have to watch my Mom then take her up to 3 or more appointments almost every day. I don't get a day off. I don't get rest. However, everyone besides Travis thinks I should get a full time job on top of this.
-We had to get rid of the black lab puppy. I was happy when we first got her, but soon as my Mom had the stroke she had to go. We can't have her locked up for 8-12 hours a day then come home and go to bed and lock her up again. It wasn't fair, and she destroyed a lot of our stuff. Our old dog Roxy never needed to be locked up, she knew not to destroy anything. However, Roxy wasn't a puppy either.
-We got a kitten, randomly. However we don't regret this decision at all. We have 2 other cats. We knew we could handle him. He is actually better than our other cats and reminds us a lot like our dog Roxy, because he does a lot of things like Roxy did. It's kinda scary, none of other cats do the things this one does and I think if Roxy was ever reincarnated it would be into a cat. This cat possible. We just get the feeling he is Roxy is some ways. I don't know. I just know Roxy died and Raja the cat was born in the same week. (Creepy, I know.)
-I went through a chemical pregnancy between June-July. My HCG (It showed very low, then dropped to non-existent.) never got high enough, and so far it doesn't even count technically as a pregnancy. However, through 5 pregnancy test (urine), finally the blood test showed a very low HCG. That was why it was undetectable during the urine pregnancy tests. I had ever symptom, but no doctor believed me until I got my own blood work done. I knew I was pregnant, even my gums bled because of the hormone changes.

With this Travis was very excited. He was happy, very happy. He knew we couldn't afford the child at the time, but that didn't matter to him. He was just glad to be a Dad. Once, we knew it was a chemical pregnancy he became very depressed in quiet. He was buying me the pregnancies books, and maternity clothing without me asking. He was going crazy over me being a mom. He wanted this. I feel horrible now that I have failed him. Usually a woman doesn't even know she went through a chemical pregnancy. I guess I am sensitive. We also have me on fertility drugs (sorta) and yeah. Now Travis, tries every time I ovulate or tries often to get me pregnant. He wants that baby so badly, and he wants it now.

-In good news I have dropped 25 lbs., and I believe Travis is around 30-40 dropped. We started eating super healthy, and going to gym again. No high fructose corn syrup, low carbs, no white carbs, no lunch meat, no going out. We tried to have subway the other night, but it made us both sick. We work out as well, but couldn't do much of that recently because of my Mom and me being sick.

-Because of this good health crave we are going through. Travis is finally getting his surgery for his abdominal Hernia he has had since 2007. His is in better shape than the cardiologist even, and they finally approved him. His whole belly button is sticking out about 4-6 inches and it abouts the same in length and
width. (No, I didn't bother figuring out the diameter.) It's very painful for him to have it, and he has to push his intestines in all the time. Which makes a nasty squishy sound. If it gets stuck, he can die quickly from it. If it gets bigger he can die from his intestine pouring out. We are getting no financial help for this surgery. We are actually getting it done for free. He should recover on the same day. Which will be September 3rd.

-As for jobs, Security down here in Florida is screwy. They love to screw people over. They were giving Travis only on call hours, and it made us fight more because they would call him in right when we needed to go somewhere or be already on the road. They promised him 4 times a set full time schedule, shift, and site. They lied to him every time. Then they cut his pay to minimum wage, and made him sign papers saying he wanted to quit. I said, just sign the stupid papers just to get rid of them. He will be looking for work again, after his surgery. But, I enjoy him being home.

-I was released from psychiatric care. I am not consider Bipolar any more, and all of it was due to being on a period for 2 years straight. Stupid Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Even if I remove my ovaries, I will still have all the symptoms.

-Got an ultrasound done on kidneys and ovaries. Kidneys looks fine, but hurt like hell. The doctor now thinks it's my bone structure putting too much weight on them. Left Ovary looked fine as for right. They can't find it. I have to get the test redone, because I have never felt pain even on my right side before. I don't even know if I have an ovary on the right side.

-*Sighs* I think I am doing okay, right now. I have some big hopes and dreams coming up that I will mention in the next post. Those are what is keeping me going, us going. We have to just do it, and if we don't then I don't know what we will do. Money is an issue, like always. We are all (all 3 of us, including Mom) currently living on only $1,000 a month. That doesn't cover medical bills, gas, regular bills, life. I hope for a change. I hope not to go back into depression, because of it. Honestly, I feel like a prisoner here, taking care of someone (my Mom) who doesn't even care about me. I go through verbal abuse and things being thrown at me on a daily bases. I am tired of it. I need out.